Dave’s Story: Grace Rediscovered

Grace Rediscovered

There were the words on my sick note: “Mixed anxiety and depressive disorder.” In my hand was a packet of anti-depressants. Now I was texting around our leadership team to tell them that I had been signed off work, initially for a few weeks, because of depression. It was the first time that we had formally used the word. Up until that point we’d skirted around it. I had “felt low”; burnout had been suggested. Now we were openly using mental health language.

I think things had been building towards this for about a year. I had taken a sabbatical to do some research and writing, but hadn’t really found as much energy as I thought I would. In fact, increasingly I had found that my usual appetite for study was declining sharply. I was reading less. My wife later reflected that on long car journeys I had tended to retreat into myself and not talk much. We went on holiday in the summer and again she noticed that the time off didn’t seem to be refreshing or re-energising me.

Then one Sunday morning after the second service (and following a slightly awkward but not particularly complex pastoral conversation) I found myself sat in the church lounge in tears and ready to quit completely. It was then that another elder raised the question of burnout and prompted me to go to the GP, which I did the next day. As I tried, admittedly half-heartedly, to negotiate with her about ways in which I could continue to do some work, she responded:

“You spend your time looking after other people, but if no-one looks after you, then how can you look after them?”

Those words have stuck with me, and they link well with the name of our site: “Grace in the Depths”. As pastors, why are we so nervous talking about mental health? Well, apart from the sad fact that it still remains too much of a stigma for many people, I think we sometimes forget that we are subjects of grace as well. We become used to giving out, but end up giving out from our own resources. Then, when we are drained, running on empty, we keep trying to give out because we struggle to admit that we need help, that we are still completely dependent on grace. While I wouldn’t wish a journey into depression on anyone, I suspect several of us will confess that this is the place where we rediscovered grace.

Something seemed to switch on (or off?) in my head following that doctor’s appointment. For the next few weeks, I found myself mixing it up between sleeping and watching sitcoms. I recommend both. God certainly provided rest as treatment for Elijah’s depression and I think if Amazon Prime had been available back in Old Testament days, he would have set him up with the remote too!

I found that prayer became a bit of a daily conversation again, as I was able to talk simply but from the heart with the Lord about where I was, and to cry out to him. The Psalms were a great comfort and provided the spiritual food that I needed to rebuild emotional strength. I also learnt to be dependent upon the visits of church members, who were brilliant and took time to show that they cared.

My advice to fellow pastors facing depression would be simple. Don’t forget that you need grace as much as everyone else in the congregation, and that grace is readily available to you in the depths. 

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Dave lives in the West Midlands with his wife Sarah and pastors Bearwood Chapel

_{Photo by Cater Yang on Unsplash}